AP Calculus: Review problems, studying for No Calculator Unit Test tomorrow, and Calculator Permitted Unit Test on Tuesday.
American Government: Nothing, actually, which I guess is one good thing
English: A synthesis essay on some packet we read last week for Frankenstein...and, for the first time in my life, I have no idea what to write for this. Also, I have about five other assignments/essays I haven't turned in for this class that I still need to get finished and turned in so I don't fail. :P
Gym: Read through two self-defense packets, familiarize myself with the information contained in them.
AP Biology: An entire study guide (it's like six pages, and we were supposed to be doing it over the course of the last three or so weeks), two test essays, and studying for unit test tomorrow.
CIS French IV: Three or so worksheets from our workbook packets, some reading from our text book, write the last three-fourths of our script for our speaking quiz on Wednesday, and studying said script so I can memorize it by then.
So yeah...I'm a bit overwhelmed in the homework department here. You think I would've started this on Friday, and spent most of yesterday working on all this stuff, finishing off today with some good studying. But instead, I'm sitting here, now at 8:34pm on Sunday night, and I haven't started any of this. And instead of working on this stuff now, I'm writing a blog about how I should work on it, but I'm still failing to do so.
Wow, what's up with that?
I'd like to blame it all on a case of Senioritis. And, quite honestly, part of that does play into this. Especially since I'm going to Normandale next year, and though I have yet to apply (I know, just one more thing I keep putting off), I'm about 99% positive I'm getting in, because I'm not retarded, and currently have a B+ average with a 27 ACT score and did PSEO there during my junior year, which, by Normandale standards, makes me a freaking genius. But I digress...
Despite the fact that part of my lack of severe procrastination and "I don't give a shit" attitude is due to this "Senioritis," fact of the matter is, I've been doing this for far longer than this year. I mean, I've been procrasinating for years. And I mean years; I honestly remember putting off my first major project until the night before it was due when I was in fifth grade. Seriously. By now, I'm a pro at waiting until the last minute and pulling shit out of my ass (no pun intended).
But even with that, I've never been this bad. In the past, I've still always gotten the work done, even if it meant staying up until un-godly hours of the morning to do so. Don't get me wrong; I've missed more than a few assignments, and there have been numerous times where I haven't done my homework, but really - this is a bit ridiculous.
I think maybe it's just that I really don't care as much anymore, as obvious and/or as stupid as that may sound. It's like, I leave home at 7:30 in the morning, and literally don't get home until 7:30/7:45 at night. That's 12 hours of my day that I've spent at work and school. And I'm sorry, but the last thing I want to do at the end of a day is a shitload of homework. The same applies for weekends, too; at the end of a week spent at work and school, and staying up extremely late those nights when I actually do my homework, I just want to be able to sleep in a little on Saturday, and then get up and, for once, spend a little time doing what I want to do, not what I have to do.
It sucks that I'm forced to do a gazillion hours of homework every night (and a gazillion times a gazillion on nights like tonight when I've been putting everything off all weekend), when, in just over six months time, I'll be out of this school and done with high school entirely. And I hate that I have to do this to "prove" that I'm smart and diligent or something. I know I'm smart, and I know that, when it comes to something important to me, that I am diligent and responsible. That may sound cocky as hell, but damnit, I know that I'm intelligent and creative and smarter than a lot of the people I know, but that I just don't always apply myself because I think that a lot of what we do in school is so retarded and so pointless, that I feel like I'm wasting my time trying to do it. Again, call it cocky and arrogant and bigheaded if you want, but fuck, I know it's true. And it sucks that this is how it is.
But you know what sucks even more? The fact that I'm going to be starting this all over again when I go to college next year.
I used to look forward to college. But after attending college last year, I realized it's much the same as high school, except that more kids smoke and the parking lot's a lot fuller and I don't know nearly as many people. And the classes are a lot more intense and the teacher's care less if you have other stuff going on outside of their class and people are less likely to smile at you in the hallways and I feel a lot more like I'm just walking through the hallways without any purpose.
I don't know...all I do know is, I'm not looking forward to going back there anymore than I'm looking forward to doing all my homework tonight. And it sucks, because based on what everyone else has told me, I need at least a basic college degree to get anywhere in life these days. And if I don't have one? I'll be working at Lifetouch for the next fifty years of my life, something that seems even more depressing.
All I want to do with my life is write and paint and travel and love and laugh and live. But I feel like my entire life right now, and for the next fifty-odd years or so of my life until I retire, is just going to be one boring day after the next, where I'm either in school, or working to pay for school or my home or my car or my life in general. And it's really depressing. Maybe this is just the part of my brain that is scared of leaving high school because it means I'm giving up the last 18 years of my life, giving up on my childhood and my dreams and everything that it was and is to be me, in order to go out into a giant world that's scary and either super unpredictable or super predictable, where I'm going to have to work everyday just to make ends meet and never have anytime for myself until I retire, at which point I'll probably be so old I won't have the strength or ability to do what I want anymore. Maybe it's just me trying to cling to what I've always known and lived and what I will soon be ripped away from. But if that's the case, really, what am I clinging to? I'm not saying that my life over the last 18 years has been terrible, but there are a lot of things that I've gone through that I never want to repeat again. And if this is just the beginning...well, quite frankly, I'm not sure I'm ready for what comes next.
I honestly don't know where this is going anymore...what started as a post half an hour ago about me not doing homework has now turned into a post that is deeply rooted in fear about moving on, but also a fear of staying put. I don't know...I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. Somehow, I thought senior year would be different, you know? And it is, I suppose; just not in the way I planned. Fuck.
~o~*~o~
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking.
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older.
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
-Time, Pink Floyd
All you touch and all you see,
Is all your life will ever be.
-Breathe, Pink Floyd
Is this the real life,
Is this just fantasy,
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.
-Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older.
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
-Time, Pink Floyd
All you touch and all you see,
Is all your life will ever be.
-Breathe, Pink Floyd
Is this the real life,
Is this just fantasy,
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.
-Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen
No comments:
Post a Comment