'Bout damn time I got another one of these things out, AM I RIGHT?! This rant is long overdue, both in a "series" sense and a topical sense. It's going to be a little less in-depth and OMG REAL PROBLEMS! than the last few rants that I've written, and it's also crazy short, but it is still an important issue and definitely still rant worthy. So, that all being said, let's get to it, yeah? This is - Rants on Everything Pissing Me Off at the Moment: Part 8.
So, the topic of this rant is pretty much retarded parents who decide to give their kids retarded names. Working at Lifetouch, I am unfortunately exposed to hundreds upon hundreds of kids names everyday, and it’s not uncommon to see a few really shitty ones. Take young Harrison Weiner, for example; this poor little boy already had the misfortune of having the last name “Weiner,” and then his parents needed to add to the humility by naming him “Harrison.” That in and of itself is not bad; I couldn’t care less if they named and called him that. Unfortunately, if his parents chose to use the nickname “Harry,” they’re pretty much asking for this kid to be mocked throughout the next 80 years of his life. And how about some great last names? Try Glasscock, Woodcock, Dyke, Gay, Hymen, Areola, and - my all-time favorite - Fuckler (who was a teacher, by the way). Lovely, yes? In all fairness, you don’t really choose your last name, but still - if my last name was Glasscock, I think I’d have it legally changed.
What is the most annoying, though, is when parents name their kids after shitty celebrities/singers/characters/etc. Don’t get me wrong here; sometimes these sorts of names can be super rad. I myself fully intend to name any and all children that I have after a literary character. However, I’m not going to be obnoxious about it; for all my infinite love of the series, I am not going to name my son “Harry Potter,” because that would be annoying and stupid. Some parents, however, choose to go down this road, and end up coming up with some of the most ridiculous names. And there is one in particular that I have seen multiple times, and that bugs me more than all of the others, and what this rant was originally written for. I just came across it again recently and therefore felt the need to specifically point this one out, because it is dumb.
Anakin.
Anakin.
As in, Anakin Skywalker.
What.
The.
AIDS.
Why in the HELL would you name your kid Anakin? I mean, obviously, you’re a Star Wars fan and want to name him after one of those characters, but really? Anakin? You have a plethora of badass names in Star Wars, and you choose Anakin. Anakin. Anakin freaking Skywalker. A wimpy, douchebag little kid who grew up in a junkyard and turned out to be an annoying, whiny son of a bitch who, along with Jar Jar Binks, completely ruined the first movie and who only became cool once he turned into Darth Vader.
Now here is where you might be saying, “But, but he turns into Darth Vader. You said it yourself. Doesn’t that make him cool?” To which I reply, “Hell no.” He’s not like me, where he was born cool and grew up cool and is just all around awesome. Anakin and Darth Vader are like two separate people; Anakin is an irritating little asshole, and Darth Vader? He’s a beast. Seriously, if you were trying to be cool, you should have named your kid Darth Vader. I don’t care if it sounds ridiculous; obviously, you weren’t concerned about that too much if you named your kid Anakin. You name your kid that and he’s going to grow up to be an irritating little shit that no one likes and everyone picks on. You name him Darth Vader, and the other kids in school are going to fear that kid. They’re going to look at him and go, “Fuck, there goes Darth Vader. That kid is so ridiculously cool and intimidating. Let’s go grovel at his feet before he decides to off us.”
I mean, seriously, there is no contest between Anakin and Vader. Like I said, Anakin is this whiny little emo cocksucker who’s all like, “I miss my mom! This isn’t fair! I hate you Obi Wan! I’m going to kill everyone! Waaaaah!” Vader? Yeah, waaaaaay different. He’s like this huge, BA, seven-foot tall Sith Lord with the voice of James Earl Jones and with more Dark Side energy in him than everyone and their mom combined. Also, he can breathe and talk at the same time. The guy is like this force-wielding machine (and is, in fact, part machine in reality) that sliced his own son’s hand off, killed Obi-Wan - his former master - and literally killed Emperor Palpatine with his bear freaking hands. Obviously, he is umpteen times cooler than Anakin. WHAT ABOUT THIS DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND?
Seriously, this is ridiculously annoying. I am a proud, proud nerd, but this is taking nerd to that obnoxious, annoying level that makes everyone who sees you want to punch you in the glasses and shove your head into a toilet, before stealing your lunch money to go buy a pack of cigarettes (I don’t even smoke, and yet I would do that if I ever had the misfortune of knowing one of these assclowns). Really, people; grow the hell up and maybe make some real friends, so that, when you produce another retarded offspring - something that seems like it would be too complicated for your dipshit brain, considering you were stupid enough to name your first kid Anakin - they’ll have the mind to punch you in the dick when you suggest to name your second child “Jar Jar” (which would be inevitable if you named your first kid Anakin; it would only make sense that you would name both of your kids after shitty characters), and maybe, just maybe, that’ll make you change your mind and give your kid a normal name. Or at the very least, a less obnoxious one.
That being said, let’s leave off with the customary: JESUS DID NOT HAVE THREE HEADS!!!!!
End of Rant.
“Hello. I’m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It’s all lies. But they’re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer is: No.”
-Leonard Nimoy in a guest appearance on The Simpsons
