I thought I was over all of this high school drama. I thought that with everyone going off to college, that this sort of thing wouldn't really happen anymore, or at least not as much. I thought that with fewer people around, stuff like that wouldn't manifest because there wouldn't really be anyone to help it get started and build. I thought that maybe people would get out into the real world and mature a little bit more, become more level-headed, and, you know, grow a brain. I thought people would start to care more about the important things and less about the stupid little retarded things. And most of all, I thought people would move on and stop living in the past so much and just get on with their lives.
I thought wrong, apparently.
It's funny to think about how these stupid things - and people - follow you around, even after you graduate and get out into the real world and start living more of a normal, everyday life. Over the last year or two, I've encountered some pretty stupid, awful, irritating, and hard (that's what she said) things. And yet, I've overcome them, moved on, and have grown to be (I think) a better person because of it. I've always prided myself on being an individual, being my own person, being who I want to be and not who everyone else wants to be, and I've especially been proud of myself in that respect over the last two years, and, even more specifically, since high school ended. For the first time in my life, I really love who I am, truly and fully. Don't get me wrong - I'd like to lose like 20 pounds and I wish my hair was a bit longer and I'd really love to be doing something a little more interesting work-wise and, of course, I'd kill to be dating Daniel Radcliffe with some Alan Rickman action on the side - but in general, I'm really happy with where I am in life right now. I like me. That's not something that a lot of people can say, and I'm proud that, for at least right now, I can.
And then, of course, something irritating comes back to bite me in the ass and wreck that. Something that just annoys the hell out of me because it brings me back to a time when I was really happy with who and where I was, but ultimately led me to being unhappy, and forced me to completely rethink myself and my values and everything. Again, don't get me wrong, having to go through that made me a much better person, and a lot of that is responsible for me being who I am today, but at the same time...well, at the time, it sucked. Plain and simple. And being reminded of that sucked. Being reminded that I put up with that for a long time sucked. And becoming aware now that I'm much better off without all that and knowing that, not only can it surface again, but that it would come back and think that I'd want to be a part of that after everything that's gone down - that, that right there, sucks. How are you supposed to tell something - someone - that you're over that? Over them? Over everything? Even now, I feel guilty, feel like I should give in, but I know that that's just an older version of myself surfacing, an older part of me that I've tried to distance myself from, because I'm happier without it.
I guess I just don't know how to rationalize this. I know I need to say no, I need to stay away, to keep moving on, keep growing, because I'm much better off without it, and I like myself a lot better without it, but there's still a small part of me - a very small part, mind, but a part nonetheless - that wants to just fold. And that sucks.
...I thought high school was over. Apparently not. Like her immature ways in the sense of drama, I too want to give into my immature ways and just punch her in the face.
"I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up."
-Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
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